So, as a more direct alternative I present you with what it *should* look like:
This, the 110th Congress of the United States, realizes that the long struggle in the war on terrorism has exhausted this Nation while fighting in Iraq. Collectively this war has so sapped our manpower that we must get illegal labor into this Nation to do the jobs which Americans can't do, which is all of them, save fighting for us as the NAFTA treaty only allows for the one-way movement of illegal labor and that is into the US, so we can't ship them anywhere.Please note all defects in the current bill and amend it accordingly.
This Congress has also recognized that the actual will to fight any conflict in the modern era beyond two terms of Congress is foreordained to failure, as we have now recognized with the poor state of everything in the Nation. The United States has so exhausted itself in this fight in Iraq that our economy is in shambles and We, the Congress of the United States, can no longer even find it to get ongoing spending to fight a war all together. We have asked the Treasury Department to get us two pennies to rub together, but they have run out of copper.
This Congress additionally sees that the ability of the United States to actually educate its population is impossible. In areas of math it has gotten to the point where this Congress no longer has the math skills to even figure out what a balanced budget looks like. Above and beyond that, the entire infrastructure from sewage lines to geostationary satellites is in such poor state that we are now using up the last of the sneakers in warehouses to walk around on and depending upon the mercies of tourists, who marvel at the ruins they behold in our once proud Nation, for handouts on a daily basis. As we have burned all the books, no one knows how to communicate by semaphore, nor can it be learned.
This Congress continues to see that the only thing that works is dissent and we now are forced to dissent from the dissenting dissenters who are dissenting on the war and to bow to their superior wisdom in their multitude, which contain some of the best hikers and campers on the planet, to realize that war is a prime cause of carbon dioxide and raises the global temperature because of the amount of dissent that is being generated by them on a global basis. Luckily, only children under the age of 17 are left, save for the Congress and President, as all the rest have been devoured by the awesome maw of fighting known as Iraq, so the actual National production of carbon dioxide by the United States falls well within Kyoto limits. We did have to burn the treaty papers a few weeks back to keep things warm, or else we would sign it.
This Congress regrets that 'The Mother of All Battles' was actually a wake-up call by Saddam Hussein to a real Deity that has, within Her Power, the ability to undo the entirety of the technological civilization that has been created since the dawn of mankind. And then She gets past the scolding stage and things get a bit rougher. As We did not know that, and that She has a waking up period of over a decade, we duly apologize for that inconvenience of having the corpses of Americans piled up 300 high around the entire perimeter of Iraq. "Making the Sea Red With Blood" was always assumed to be a metaphor and not a real noteworthy event that She can produce.
This Congress realizes that the exhausted Nation of the United States now has a voting population of exactly 536 people, in which the Electoral votes now outnumber the voting age population. As such we can only put forth that this Congress is unable to fight nor tend to its duties for the millions of children starving that need to be tended to and that all of this is fully beyond us at this point in time. In a year we might be able to actually change that situation, but as the current Authorization of the Use of Force in Iraq demands that any Citizens of fighting age be shipped over immediately, we also have come to recognize that we have run out of building materials for rafts to send them into combat with bow and arrow. We have, noticeably, run out of trees as the Nation has denuded itself of all trees and wildlife completely in this battle. It is very difficult to carve boats out of rock, as we have found out.
This Congress now tenders its Unconditional Surrender of the United States of America to the Republic of Iraq and ask that you send over anyone that might be able to fix things up a bit. We have entire States in need of population and the soil once was good for something, but now looks more like Iraq than anything else, so you should feel right at home here. We do ask for your kind mercy in accepting this surrender and calling off She Who is Red Soaked Beyond Compare.
If you know how.
Unanimously signed by this, the 110th Congress of the United States.
P.S. - Could you bring some milk and cookies?