Our forgotten Seven States

Well I am glad that someone has come to recognize the extra States of the Union!



America has long been lax in welcoming the following States:

1) State of Tension - Brought in during President Kennedy's confrontation with the USSR to bolster our spirits!

2) State of Poverty - Brought in by LBJ's social programs so as to put more than just the poor folks in perpetual debt and the whole federal government would join them in that.

3) State of Deception - Richard Nixon was able to bring in his ancient homeland, along with the province of Dirty Tricks, so as to give them glamor after long centuries of disrepute.

4) State of Confusion - Gerald R. Ford welcomed this poor land in during his short term as President and it has been a continual presence in our social scene ever since.

5) State of Decay - Jimmy Carter had worked steadfastly to bring this land into the Union and gave deep speeches about its people and the malaise they suffered under.

6) State of Denial - One of the more recent States that Bill Clinton's daughter pointed out to us, and it was realized that not only was it *not* a River in Egypt, but that it could be annexed!

7) State of Chaos - Little did we know that there was actually a homeland for this, but George W. Bush ensured that it would no longer be an unguided land and welcomed it to our Union a few short years ago.

These lovely Entropic States are now seeking further entry for other lands that have given us so much in life: Despair, Degeneration, Incapacity, Remorse, Reverence, Fugue, as well as other lands even further afield.

Some day the rest of America will come to recognize these States and give them true honor on our flag. Until then they remain the 'forgotten States' that few want to visit or acknowledge.

UPDATE: If it is, as DRJ at Patterico's reasons out, 60 States, then those other three have slipped under the radar! Just *which* States were ushered in with no one looking?

Time's Man of the Year as seen on late night tv

The following is cross-posted from A French Pig Party.

Read at your own risk.

... this is the best regimen for a world leader to keep fit!


The old days of flabby Russian leaders is gone with this regimen adapted from the Fitness Made Soviet... Simple! Fitness Made Simple For Wold Leaders by myself, Vladimir Putin. And those in the West should enjoy the low cost, outdoors approach.


While Russia has much greater diversity of climate, I have specifically designed this training program so that even those with modest means can achieve greatness.


What better ways are there to build up stamina and endurance than hiking by mountain streams? And, as an extra incentive, one does not bring any food with them!


One exists off the natural bounty for their meals, as an all natural diet, far from polluted rivers of industrialized areas make for the healthiest living. And I know that Americans adore fishing, so what better way to get fit than to combine fitness with pleasure?


Before this women would not even think of coming to me for anything other than my power in government... but now...


*click*

*YAWN*

As Seen On Al-Manar TV...

Greetings, friends... you know how it is driving to the market and suddenly one of friends lights off a rocket and it goes astray...


And because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time, they were called to martyrdom early...


But today there is a solution from Allah Insurance Company...


So simple even a Jihadi can do it!



*click*

*Uh-oh... re-runs...*

... to preface to say to All Americans on this anniversary when 19 of the Mujahideen were able to - by the grace of Allah - change the path of the compass they did not change the path of your media...


...and I have come to know why your failing democratic system and culture will not change! You do not take to the ways of the Prophet and respect those who, even in your primitive past, recognized that wisdom comes from those with a gray beard!


...after much study of your dedacent culture I, and only I, knew that to take the Mujahideen seriously they must be led by one who has no gray in his beard! You will see that I recognize that even from such an idolotorous culture as yours, it is possible to meet you half-way, as I am doing now.


Thus with this mighty view granted by Allah to me I have changed my ways so as to be taken seriously and so that the attacks of the Mujahideen can be seen for the brave effort that they ARE!


Now the mullahs and clerics can look up to me in awe for having cut years off my beard without having to cut the beard itself! Yes, Grecian Formula for Mujahideen...

*click*

On tonight's episode of Jedi Squirrels...

*zzzzzz*

Learning English... so simple...

Learning English: So simple, a Barbarian can do it

Photo Courtesy: Grudge-Match

No one ever said anything about speaking it well, mind you....



Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.

Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spikingwerld.

Not your everyday idea!

Just a quick break to give a rest to the way too much seriousness going on which, I am sure, I will get back to in a bit.

This is one of those things that gets churned through my poor excuse for a mental set-up and there are many, many people to blame for this. First up is the creators of 'Reality Shows', which are way too unreal to be of interest to me. I really don't care if people will do stupid and dangerous things for money. I mean, one of the available sub-professions in geology is Vulcanology: studying volcanoes. And in that field there is a plethora of work to be done and one of the dangerous is the study of Pyroclastic Flows. Think of seeing just how fast, how hot and how much material can be spewed over an area and rip everything up in its path in a bevy of superheated air, steam, particulates, rocks, and other noxious fumes and such. That is a job where individuals do something that is highly anti-survival... they head *towards* active volcanoes, many that are erupting or about to do so. Think of the blast zone of Mt. St. Helens. Think of Pompeii. Think of Krakatoa.

Now if you made a 'Survivor Show' out of that, you would, slowly, get a body count. Not much good for television viewing, though, as it would run for decades with very little happening and then a whole lot all at once. Plus you would hate to have all the contestants go out at one shot. There being the one to be 'left behind' might just save your life. Nope that won't fly as a 'Reality Show'.

Now you know how my mind works on some days, when I can get it to work at all.

With that, add in this link from Instapundit to Popular Science on the 10 worse jobs in science in 2007. I do believe that even Mike Rowe could do a couple of these! But one, in particular, is suited to be a 'Reality Show' and *still* yield good science! See it?

No?

Think of 'Big Brother'.

Think of 'Survivor'.

Think of the Discovery Channel.

Think of your average couch potato.

Got it?

Yes, take 21 people who have all signed on to their being willing to last through 21 days of experimentation. Of social interaction in their group. Of lasting out to the bitter end. It is a job custom made for television being in confined settings, easy to film locations and, even better, has a fully capable and competent medical staff ready to assist.

It is, of course, Number 7: Gravity Research Subject.

Imagine the promo, where each subject is put through physical exams, tests and other things to make sure they can survive 21 days of being on an inclined bed. Yes, the field is open to every lethargic individual who has ever formed a sofa to their behind for years on end! Or those folks in Laz-E-Boy chairs that now swivel back way too much.

The interviews, and tests all done on camera, recorded and edited together for the Intro Program. Across different ages, lifestyles and viewpoints on life they come and the lucky 21 get to actually enter the program. Each has acknowledged that this can be dangerous to them, but is worth whatever the Prize Du Jour is these days for such things. That gleam of 'easy cash' just for being flat on your back. So simple *anyone* could do it!

A good pre-screening would be to play 'Jedi Knight' on the Vomit Comet, so that folks could get to know some of what it is that it really takes to be an astronaut, and to find out just who can keep their lunch down.




Photo: NASA
One can imagine the assemblage of 50 or so when the selection is made... the smiles, clapping and then, final downcast looks of those unable to go on. Little do they know they are *the lucky ones*.



Photo: NASA
Then the entry day to the hospital, and each of these fine worthies go to the bed and it is inclined 6 degrees to allow blood to flow to the head. Get them to describe their feelings, how their internal organs have moved and the sheer uncomfortable feeling of being on a bed like that. And eat in that position. And the lovely bedpan parts we can edit a little, but the embarrassment of it and the cleanup, in bed, afterwards. Time to become an expert in that!

Because it does all flow down hill in the end.

The joy of having the beds wheeled about and having to perform mental function tests, interact in a 'pleasant social atmosphere' and then, one by one, they each get 'the centrifuge'.



Photo: NASA
Alone, isolated, as one's body is spun faster and faster until 1G is achieved at the heart, but 2.5G is at the feet and all that blood goes rushing out of the head.



Photo: NASA
Day after day of that, trying to read, stay alert and always feeling that no matter how much you swallow your food really doesn't want to stay in the stomach. And after the first day the vote each morning, to get rid of one of their number. That can be done via electronic device so that they will not know how any voted, but the viewer at home WILL.

Perhaps throw in a video poker game on day two or three, with a few thousand dollars at stake. Watch them try to concentrate as they play just after lunch. Or do the old 'concentrate on the equipment' ordeal, trying to ensure that reaction time and motor skills do not deteriorate as time goes on. Drag out the old equipment and get a real feel for history!




Photo: NASA
Even moderately technical tasks would be a problem, no doubt, but those which requires interaction with others... ahhh... by day 5 or 6 of enforced inactivity, medical tests, centrifuging, you may find quirks in personality playing on you, irritating you. Then there are the *others*! Imagine the interviews, the discussions of just how each of them feels. And, perhaps, playing back some of their earlier recordings to them to get them to compare between then and now.

Of course some disorientation tests may need to be done, and even such things as testing out of reflexes in the linear vestibulo-ocular reflex in the human linear accelerator sled. I am sure the folks at MIT would *love* to have some 'volunteer' test subjects!




Photo: MIT
Wouldn't *that* be a grand break from the centrifuge?

The possibilities are endless!

Because it is always better to be *that* sort of test subject...


...than this sort of test subject!


Some day we may get a *real* 'Reality Show'.

To the House of the 110th Congress of the United States

Now, seeing as how the 110th Congress has put forth that things are not going well in Iraq and that the Nation can't continue on for 18 more months, I have recognized that the current Emergency Spending bill is highly defective.

So, as a more direct alternative I present you with what it *should* look like:

This, the 110th Congress of the United States, realizes that the long struggle in the war on terrorism has exhausted this Nation while fighting in Iraq. Collectively this war has so sapped our manpower that we must get illegal labor into this Nation to do the jobs which Americans can't do, which is all of them, save fighting for us as the NAFTA treaty only allows for the one-way movement of illegal labor and that is into the US, so we can't ship them anywhere.

This Congress has also recognized that the actual will to fight any conflict in the modern era beyond two terms of Congress is foreordained to failure, as we have now recognized with the poor state of everything in the Nation. The United States has so exhausted itself in this fight in Iraq that our economy is in shambles and We, the Congress of the United States, can no longer even find it to get ongoing spending to fight a war all together. We have asked the Treasury Department to get us two pennies to rub together, but they have run out of copper.

This Congress additionally sees that the ability of the United States to actually educate its population is impossible. In areas of math it has gotten to the point where this Congress no longer has the math skills to even figure out what a balanced budget looks like. Above and beyond that, the entire infrastructure from sewage lines to geostationary satellites is in such poor state that we are now using up the last of the sneakers in warehouses to walk around on and depending upon the mercies of tourists, who marvel at the ruins they behold in our once proud Nation, for handouts on a daily basis. As we have burned all the books, no one knows how to communicate by semaphore, nor can it be learned.

This Congress continues to see that the only thing that works is dissent and we now are forced to dissent from the dissenting dissenters who are dissenting on the war and to bow to their superior wisdom in their multitude, which contain some of the best hikers and campers on the planet, to realize that war is a prime cause of carbon dioxide and raises the global temperature because of the amount of dissent that is being generated by them on a global basis. Luckily, only children under the age of 17 are left, save for the Congress and President, as all the rest have been devoured by the awesome maw of fighting known as Iraq, so the actual National production of carbon dioxide by the United States falls well within Kyoto limits. We did have to burn the treaty papers a few weeks back to keep things warm, or else we would sign it.

This Congress regrets that 'The Mother of All Battles' was actually a wake-up call by Saddam Hussein to a real Deity that has, within Her Power, the ability to undo the entirety of the technological civilization that has been created since the dawn of mankind. And then She gets past the scolding stage and things get a bit rougher. As We did not know that, and that She has a waking up period of over a decade, we duly apologize for that inconvenience of having the corpses of Americans piled up 300 high around the entire perimeter of Iraq. "Making the Sea Red With Blood" was always assumed to be a metaphor and not a real noteworthy event that She can produce.

This Congress realizes that the exhausted Nation of the United States now has a voting population of exactly 536 people, in which the Electoral votes now outnumber the voting age population. As such we can only put forth that this Congress is unable to fight nor tend to its duties for the millions of children starving that need to be tended to and that all of this is fully beyond us at this point in time. In a year we might be able to actually change that situation, but as the current Authorization of the Use of Force in Iraq demands that any Citizens of fighting age be shipped over immediately, we also have come to recognize that we have run out of building materials for rafts to send them into combat with bow and arrow. We have, noticeably, run out of trees as the Nation has denuded itself of all trees and wildlife completely in this battle. It is very difficult to carve boats out of rock, as we have found out.

This Congress now tenders its Unconditional Surrender of the United States of America to the Republic of Iraq and ask that you send over anyone that might be able to fix things up a bit. We have entire States in need of population and the soil once was good for something, but now looks more like Iraq than anything else, so you should feel right at home here. We do ask for your kind mercy in accepting this surrender and calling off She Who is Red Soaked Beyond Compare.

If you know how.

Please?

Unanimously signed by this, the 110th Congress of the United States.


P.S. - Could you bring some milk and cookies?

Please note all defects in the current bill and amend it accordingly.

Created at Muppet Labs!

Muppet Labs! Now that brings back memories. Who can forget Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his ever inventive mind?


And his ever lovable and often abused guinea pig... ummmm... lab assistant! That's it lab assistant, Beaker.

Now one of the interesting things in life is that there are many that obviously use Beaker as their role model! Yes you do not have to even say the words Electric Sledgehammer and you will find some willing guinea pig.... errrr... lab assistant! To do all sorts of ridiculous, dangerous and strange things all in the name of science.


And so you get folks like Eric Sofge at Popular Mechanics who is making a career at looking at things of interest like building demolition, all sorts of new high-tech things, GPS trackers to be fired during a car chase, the airborne laser system under development by the USAF, in-situ bone and tooth growth, the new Boeing 787 Dreamliner and, my personal favorite, deciding to have a Taser tested on him! Those others were just a warmup for *that*...


Eric Sofge, Tasered

Yes all the fine and wonderful products of Muppet Labs that would just change the lives of everyone. No longer would Bananas be so untidy once you purchased a Banana Sharpener!

Beaker, Banana-ed
Isn't the resemblance remarkable? I mean just look at those mid-expirement shots! It is so good to see one following in the footsteps of their role model in life...

Yes, indeed there were such grand ideas from Muppet Labs, that one wonders why they did not patent a few of them. And that brings me to the point: obviously Muppet Labs has had one of their inventions swiped! I mean take a look at the Lewis N. Clark Compression Bags.



Or the Cabela's Waterproof Stuff Sacks.


Yes these are a pure, and blatant rip-off from Muppet Labs and their Compressible Luggage:


I fully support anything that Dr. Bunsen Honeydew has to do so as to ensure that Muppet Labs gets all the credit it deserves in this area where they were pioneering spirits, risking Beaker to show how well their ideas worked. I am very sure that Mr. Rosenthal will take this case...


And then they will have their day in court with Judge Marvin Suggs!



They laughed at Edison!

They laughed at the Wright Brothers!

And they laughed at Muppet Labs!

Soon, I am sure, that the incomparable Muppet Labs will have the last laugh.